Last night at dinner my 17 year old sister was telling me all about her AP Psychology class. Her class is watching a film in which ABC set up different awkward situations to see how the common person reacted, if they would call for help and, therefore, if they were prejudice.
For example, one of the situations had a bunch of white kids spray painting a car while a few black kids were sitting in a car nearby. They had a pretty blonde girl pass out on a busy sidewalk and a man dressed up to appear homeless pass out on that same sidewalk. As you may have guessed, the reactions in each situation were completely different.
Obviously these totally bizarre scenarios of prejudice sparked a lot of dinner conversation, which led us down the path of common prejudices in the work place. Note: the scenarios we discussed were specifically related to women. Men, I’d love for you to weigh in on these.
Is there such a thing as being “too pretty” at work?
One of my absolutely adorable and fashion forward friends from college (who also happened to be a double major, “Type A” personality and straight-A student) spent a summer of college interning at a very competitive and reputable consulting firm in Chicago. She often worked through the weekends and late at night. She went way beyond the call of duty for an intern. The end of the summer came quickly and she was excitedly anticipating the opportunity to work for the firm after graduation.
At the end of the summer the firm sat her down and said she was a great intern and a hard worker but they didn’t like the way she dressed so they were not going to offer her a full time position. They felt she was a bit too fashion forward for the industry and showed too much personality in her wardrobe choices. They needed someone who “took the job seriously” and would be more conservative for the clients. Mind you, she wore suits every day (and I’m sure she threw in some scarves, fun earrings, or colored shoes on occasion too).
When I heard this story I couldn’t even believe it was for real! This girl has the best professional wardrobe I have ever seen. She is not revealing in her clothing choices at all either. Why did being too fashionable or “too pretty” at work hurt her?
Now let’s play a work place prejudice game.
Rules: Read the four scenarios below. Share the FIRST word/thought that comes to mind when you read each scenario.
- What do you think when you see a put together, fashion forward female at the office? She’s wearing a beautiful skirt suit, great perfume, her nails are done, her hair is styled, and she is wearing full make up and heels. How about when you see an overweight woman, who always wears her hair in a wet slicked back bun, wears tennis shoes with her suit and doesn’t wear makeup?
- You’re sitting at a meeting and notice a woman across the table is tilting her head to the side and constantly smiling/ nodding to everything your regional manager says. When put on the spot she responds immediately and often says sorry for things she didn’t do wrong. What’s your first impression of this woman? How would the regional manager’s perception of her change if she kept a straight face, only nodded on occasion and was left a pause before responding?
- You work in a business casual environment. Most people in your office push the limit on “business casual” and go more “casual” than “business” in their wardrobe choices. You like wearing suits every day. What do you think about a person who chooses to dress “above” the dress code? Is she alienating herself? Does she appear to “think she’s better than other people?” Do her suits make her co-workers uncomfortable?
- You have a female manager who is afraid to clearly delegate tasks and projects to you. Instead she hangs at your desk and tries to start up lame and awkward small talk. When she finally gets around to asking you for what she needs, she always ends with “if you have time,” “I hope that’s ok…” or “I’m so sorry I hope this isn’t too much!” Does being too nice as a female manager make you a bad manager?
Perception is Reality
Although we may not think we are “prejudice” about these little details, the exercise above most likely revealed that we all are.
Now consider yourself. What do you wear to the office? How do others perceive it? How do you respond to superiors during meetings? Do you constantly apologize for things you didn’t do wrong? Do you appear to be isolating yourself based on your dress? Are you petrified of awkward pauses? Do you respond to every email you get immediately?
How are people perceiving you?
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If anyone can relate to where you're at in your career, it's Nicole Crimaldi: Nicole spent 5 years in corporate America, switched career paths, worked at a start-up, survived a layoff and is now self-employed. Nicole believes that career satisfaction is a huge part of overall happiness. Therefore, she started Ms. Career Girl to help other women get off the treadmill and onto a more fulfilling path.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Loved this post! I’m still in school and have been an intern at the same company for a year. I feel that if you take the job seriously, you should take yourself seriously and that your appearance should reflect that. Not too over the top, but polished. Especially as an Intern, I feel it is better to be overdressed. I could be completely wrong though!
I agree with you but how bizarre is it that my friend was essentially “punished” for wearing suits and heels every day?!
Wow, I’ve seen all four of these scenarios in play – and had similar unconscious reactions. I tend to agree with your point. I’ve worked very hard at some of these, but have a ways to go on others. I dress a step above our “business casual” dress code (you’ll never see me wear flip flops to the office), since I’ve often heard you should dress to the position you want, not what you have. But the others are a bit trickier, especially the ones that fly in the face of how little girls are often raised, such as the apologizing and interactions with authority.
Have you read Lois Frankel’s “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers”? It covers this theme on a much broader level and should be a must-read for every woman starting her career. The more aware we are of such behaviors, the more we can change them to really reflect our strengths.
I haven’t read that book but I pass it every time I go to Barnes- I need to add that one to my collection.
I agree, it starts with AWARENESS for women. The meeting scenario is one that Emily Bennington brought up to me. I had never thought about it before, but I always smile, nod and tilt my head…I also feel that I should always be smiling or owe everyone an explanation, which is not true (or good in many cases).
I think dressing for the position you want is an OK idea but in some work environments it could be a very bad thing. Co-workers may assume that you don’t want to be part of the team or that you aren’t part of the office culture…I’ve definitely been in this situation more than once.
Exactly on the “some work environments” – I’ve worked in 3 different offices and each one had a completely different set of norms/expectations/culture. It varies wildly, even between departments within the same org. My department tends to “dress up” a bit more than some of the others – with our (female) VP dressed to the nines.
I read “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office” when I started out in the business world. While some things in the book are true (for example, “Waiting to Be Given What you Want” and “Asking Permission” are very valuable chapters), othera are just not applicable in several industries to be considered an overall truth (“Feeding Others”), and some are flat out wrong (“Working Hard”).
It might just be my industry (IT) but the book is not for anyone who can’t take the advice with a grain of salt.
Was feeding others about how you shouldn’t be the girl in the office that always bakes cookies or sets up the team lunches?
What’s the worknig hard chapter about? Staying late hours to proove your worthiness? I don’t agree with that in most industries at all.
So thankful for this article. How wildly frustrating to be judged for what we wear in the workplace! I dress for my body type and was told on the first day of my internship “no leggings,” which left me confused – can I not wear them under dresses like I usually do? Was it a personal jab at me since I am younger? Wonderful piece – interesting take!!
Hmm that’s interesting that they told you that right up front. Were you wearing leggings at the time? I think leggings are definitely a generational thing- we think they are normal but other generations may not- which is why they put it out there right away. Better that then getting talked to about it later (like my friend above)!
I think you can wear them as you wear tights under a dress/skirt (that is a work-appropriate length!). I’d wear it with boots or shoes that don’t show bare ankles. In most cases, my vote is that leggings under sweaters is not office appropriate- I think it is more of an after work look.
I am so glad you’ve written about this everyday occurrence in the office!
I have always felt that if one pays attention to details in their appearance, then it would naturally translate into being detail oriented in your work. However, others may not agree with this theory. When I was an intern, I made a conscious effort to look plain. I had encountered the snarky remarks and the rolling-eyes before, so I thought I would try a different approach.
After I was hired, I felt more comfortable to be a little more “myself.”
Again, I have to remind myself that it’s all a big game and you have to play (& follow their rules) to win. If that means that I have to dress a certain way to get there, then it’s worth it. If I ever begin to feel that I’m compromising myself too much, then I know it’s time to re-evaluate my chosen field. Although I hate the fact these prejudices exist, I think we have to use them to our advantage.
Nicole, the scenarios you posed are certainly very thought-provoking. What I always find interesting is that when it comes to dress, style or manner of communication it’s rarely men that judge other men on the issue. We women also care far too much what others think of us and can get caught in the “nice girl” or “doormat” trap. In many ways we women are our own worst enemies.
As women, we spent so many decades (and still do) working to achieve equality in the workplace, and we did that by lifting each other up. When we consciously or subconsciously judge other women on superficial matters, or what we assume their motivations are, we stifle our collective growth in the workplace.
The problem with what your friend experienced isn’t so much that her superiors were judging her for her style or dress…it’s their right so set the standards…it’s that they did not approach her when it first raised concerns for them. They waited until the end of her internship. That’s just poor management.
I absolutely agree that that is just bad management!
As much as women stereotype women, I’m very curious how men would stereotype the above situations. They probably look at it way differently than women do.
Nicole, very interesting post. In the class I teach at Kent State University, we had fairly animated discussion about business attire, which is manifestly easier to deal with for men than for women, outside of the business suit scenario.
We talked about the rule of thumb as follows, and I’m interested in your reaction and that of your readers: If you’d wear it to go dancing, don’t wear it to the office.
I’m mystified as to why a woman in a business suit would have issues, unless the suit was so, um, form-fitting or short-skirted as to be too revealing… Perhaps the “scarves, fun earrings or colored shoes” were scene as unprofessional. It’s a really fine line between distinctiveness and inappropriateness, and the line shifts quite a lot.
Business is usually conservative for a reason; a bank or accounting firm needs to project safety to clients, while a marketing firm can imbue creativity.
As to your scenarios, here are my “1-word” answers:
1. First woman, it depends what we mean by fashion forward, and what sort of company we are. Sorry, but that’s the truth for me. Second woman, “neutral.” It would depend entirely on the basis of my relationship with her.
2. First woman, “Toady.” The usual (if sexist) term would be “yes-man” even for a woman. There are managers, however, that like sycophants and flatterers and surround themselves with them. I’d hope the regional manager would rather have a more serious and thoughtful team…
3. Grow a thick skin. I’ve worked for and with mostly women for my whole 25-year career. They are often cruel to each other, particularly on these types of topic. My advice is always to dress similarly to the boss.
4. In short order, this manager will note that I don’t mind direction — I’ll likely tell her so. To me, this scenario doesn’t indicate she’s being too nice. Rather, it’s a question of confidence that should be revealed in the hiring process — that said, asking people to do something rather than telling them is a sign of humanity.
Lastly, allow me to offer a general comment — everything in business should align to an objective. So, when considering attire, what is the business objective? Distinctiveness, creativity, individuality are all inward-directed rather than externally focused.
Thanks !
Hey Sean,
I really liked your comments and perspective here. I appreciate you digging deeper into the article and cultivating more discussion too.
I totally agree that the type of business you work in plays a huge role in these awkward situations. I agree with you about not wearing to the office what you would wear dancing. But I have a confession: today (casual jeans friday here) I am wearing the shoes I wore dancing last weekend to work- so I already broke your rule.
I think shoes are about as far as you can take it though!
It’s interesting that you found the unkempt woman in scenario 1 to be neutral. I guarantee that if you asked that same question to women (and they were being honest) they would NOT view this situation as netural.
I also like your rule of dressing like the boss. I never thought about it like that before but it makes sense to me!
Lastly, I agree that everything in business has an objective. Therefore, we need to define and consider our objectives and make sure they are aligned with how we present ourselves.
Your class sounds awesome! I’d love to hear more about it. If you ever need a guest speaker, I love speaking to college classes via Skype!
Thanks again for coming by!
Nicole
Thanks Nicole – I note you’re following me on Twitter – I’m teaching the same class in the fall, so stay tuned. I’d love to Skype you in sometime!
Cheers,
Sean
Nicole,
Stopping by per Sean’s tip…
“Dress for the job you want, not the job you’ve got” is something I first heard 20+ years ago. That’s a pretty easy call for men; I’m not sure about women. That’s because men are by and large still in the positions of authority.
This is just another item on a long list of things of disadvantages that women still have to face, particularly in the workplace. In my opinion, what would really help the situation are enlightened, well-rounded, considerate men who will help guide interns and young professionals as they enter the workplace. You’re probably not going to have a lot of those types in management, though.
I was a guest at one of Sean’s classes recently, doing mock interviews with the students. I’m very happy to say that Sean’s discussion must have worked. Everyone — young men and women — were appropriately dressed for the occassion.
Ed
1. Women are judged more on their looks then men. Men, dressed handsomely or in a sloppy suit, can all be expected to be taken seriously. But if you’re too pretty, men (and women) objectify you or don’t take you seriously. If you’re too overweight, men (and women) marginalize you. Although I do think that men and women should keep the perfume to a minimum at the workplace.
2. In the way you describe her, girl one seems a bit ditzy. Girl 2 is emotionless.
3. That is my office! And when I do “dress up,” co-workers I am friendly with ask me what the occasion is. Fortunately, I haven’t felt sexually harassed there. But my previous employer would make inappropriate comments about how he felt about my pencil skirt, the one and after that, only time I wore it.
4. This manager needs to stop worrying about her office friendships and be more assertive, male or female. I’ve seen both genders guilty of this.
Very thought-provoking.
I suspect you’ve heard about this? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/13/chicago-bar-association-t_n_535493.html
Infuriating.