Many women are in the business of pleasing others. Sometimes this is a wonderful thing. Other times, our “pleasing disease” is the reason we get ourselves into trouble.
For example, have you ever mistakenly told two or more people you could meet with them on the same day knowing it was going to be a tight squeeze? How did it turn out? Have you ever had a gut feeling that you should say no to taking on another freelance client, but said yes because you liked the person so much?
A few years ago I had 3 weddings in one weekend and RSVP’d yes to all of them. None of the weddings were in the same city. I ended up missing one of the weddings which was a much worse result than just RSVPing with a “no” in the first place.
The “pleasing disease” spreads into all of the important areas of women’s lives. Ever wonder how those women who “do it all” seem to get it done? Busy women like these know that if they want to grow and get it all done, they’ll need to learn to stop trying to please everyone. As the Economic 101 gods would say, “we are only given a limited amount of time and resources”; saying yes to everything is not a way to conserve it!
The “pleasing disease” only leads to resentment which, in my opinion, is the beginning of almost all interpersonal disasters.
I thought long and hard about this bad habit in my own life and realized that if I had only set clear boundaries and “pressed pause,” I could’ve shifted away from over-committal or doing things I didn’t truly want to do. It’s so easy to get sucked in to the excitement of the moment or the positive energy of the person in front of you. In the end, if you are only committing in order to “please” you aren’t doing anyone any good.
This week’s challenge…
Practice saying “let me get back to you” over the next week before committing, making plans or attempting to please someone else. Let there be “white space,” an awkward pause or whatever it takes to make sure you’re really committing to a decision that is right for you and for the other party.
- How has over committing affected your friendships, relationships and work life?
- Is pleasing others a natural tendency of yours? How do you work at overcoming it?
- Have you ever been in a situation where your good intentions of pleasing someone actually turned out to be bad?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Nicole, This was the perfect post for me to read this week! I was recently thinking that I really need to start giving my schedule some wiggle room. I recently took on a guitar class on top of everything else I’m doing (that I have to do to pay the bills) and it pushed me over the edge. Although it is a great stress relief while I’m there, it makes the rest of my day more stressful because I have to plan around it. Anyways, I TOTALLY agree with this and think it is women AND men that do this. Nice reminder and I will take your challenge.
Hello. My name is Chrissy and I’m a people pleaser.
HI CHRISSY!!
Yes, I’m making a confession here. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I’m a notorious teacher’s pet. I literally got straight A’s for years just to make the teachers like me. I hate saying “no” but, like you, I ended up over-committed for so long, I eventually had to force myself to. In fact, just this weekend I had to say no to something I really wanted to do — mostly to help a friend out– but I had to simply decline because I was already slammed. My friend was so understanding…it just confirmed that people really get it when you have to set limits. They, more often than not, have had to do it too in the past. Most people will understand when you have to say No, as long as you’re honest and polite.
I am so happy you posted on the inability to say “no”. I am going through some of the repercussions of “pleasing” everyone at once right now, yikes! I think I am more vulnerable to this trap because I am currently unemployed, interning, and looking for the right, full-time job. Ahhhh! Thank you for the questions/considerations to help me sort out all that is self-inflicted.
I second Chrissy’s thought …
Learning to say “not this time” is important, not only for our own health/sanity, but it also trains the people in our lives to respect our time and personal space. Even people who care about us can start to take us for granted, whether they realize it or not.