Home Work Career Confessions 7 Ways to Earn More Respect and Influence as a Young Professional...

During my first year out of college, I worked in a legal organization that assists men and women from all over the world.  Many of the clients are men from countries where women aren’t highly valued, let alone taken seriously or even allowed in professional atmospheres. This is especially true for women my age.

It goes without saying that there were some difficulties when I had to build working relationships with these men. And to make things more difficult, the relations my co-workers witnessed between my client and me affected the way my co-workers treated me too.

Gone were the days of my simpler problems — dealing with my clients posed a much bigger challenge.

So, out of necessity, I had to take a step back and re-evaluate my mannerisms and self-presentation to learn to command respect in order to get my job done on a daily basis.  And, (just because I’m a go-getter) I decided why not shoot for the moon and adjust those mannerisms so that I would not only be taken seriously, but could also become an influential member within workplace?

Although work ethic and knowledge should be the only determining factors when an employee is striving for influence and respect, we are all social creatures and so both appearance and communication come into play as well. Unfortunately, I’ve witnessed that young women have it much tougher when pushing for influence and respect in both co-gender and male dominated work environments. But on the reverse, it makes it that much more rewarding and valuable when you finally do earn that influence and respect. We may have to push harder, but it says a lot about a young “girl” when she’s able to finally strut her stuff as a capable “woman”.

Here are a couple of tips and adjustments that have worked for me and may help you when dealing not only with male clients and co-workers, but with anyone who is giving you a hard time and undermining your value because you are a young woman.

Photo Credit: Women Shaping Business Panel Calgary

1. Be Statuesque, Rather Than Sexy

It’s pointless to attempt to hide the fact that both men and women like to look their best and even attractive in the work place. My physical appearance undoubtedly affects my confidence and even happiness on a daily basis so I do my best to look nice.

Men seem to easily be able to strut their clean cut and suave looks in the workplace and of course women should be able to do the same.  But it is more difficult for women to escape the accusation of using sex appeal in the workplace, which is why I advise that young women make a conscious effort to present themselves in a statuesque manner, rather than a sexy manner.  Aiming for grace, dignity and poise rather than seduction or desire can help you overcome the fine line between what your co-workers may consider either a sexy distraction or an elegant contribution.

2. Keep the Maintenance Low, and the Sleeves Rolled Up High

I know that there are some of you out there that still need to hear this so I’m going to throw it out there! You’ve got to be able to do the sophisticated work and the dirty work too. So dress to impress, but with the ability to tough it out too.

I absolutely love cute and professional dress, because just like the men in my workplace want to look sharp, I want to look magnificent.

But my jewelry is never too dangly, my heels are never too high, my sleeves are never too feathery, and my hair is never too loose to handle a crisis, last minute deadlines, a frustrating board member or a panicked client with ease.

3. Get Chummy with the Men… and the Women

A lot of young women feel like the best way to earn respect and be treated as an equal is to chum up with the men in the workplace and completely separate themselves from the women.  But a member that truly deserves respect and has what it takes to be an influential voice and perhaps even a leader is a member that knows to respect and value all of the other members on his or her team.

Further, how could any motivated female expect to gain respect in a hypothetically male dominated workforce, if she herself doesn’t respect her fellow women?

You’re going to gain the most respect, and more importantly support by building good relationships with both the men and the women in the office. No matter what you’re trying to achieve, always focus on the team. That’s what truly makes leaders.

4. Avoid the BFF Tendency

Try not to buddy up too much. The BFF tendency that none of us can deny having is a drawback in the workplace because it makes you look less independent and therefore less capable.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with our tendencies and desire to be close to and share with one another. Women value relationships so highly. But you honestly shouldn’t be walking through the workplace attached to someone else’s hip all the time, or vice versa. When your boss or your team members think or speak of you, you want them to think of you and only you. Not you and … so and so.

5. Don’t Be A Maneater

Charging in like you have something to prove by consciously trying to mow over other co-workers doesn’t earn you respect and nor does beating out all of your “feminine” qualities.

I remember reading a chapter in the book “Secrets of Six Figure Women“, by Barbara Stanny  ( a book that I HIGHLY recommend) the other day. She was interviewing a top level female executive who said that when she first started working in her office she charged in every morning in all black suits, a hard walk, and a tough chick persona. I cringed at the thought of this, and she lamented that she regretted it.

I refer to the term “maneater” because I overhear and observe a lot of young women who only think that they’re winning when they contribute to their male counterparts failing. But that’s not what work or success is about, and the sooner that you learn this the better. Influential members, and eventual leaders support and enable, they don’t break their own team members, male or female.

In terms of learning to value your “feminine” qualities I’m definitely not suggesting that women must be submissive, that they have to cower or congratulate their teams with smiley face stickers, or that they have to be emotional and constantly nurturing.

Women, or course can and will drive hard bargains and lead with assertiveness and aggression too. But our tendencies to collaborate, our ability to read and take advantage of emotional cues, our cautious demeanors, listening skills and scrutiny, all qualities that are particularly unique strengths for women may be lost if we’re too busy trying to mimic male co-workers and their qualities.

Remember to play to your own strengths, which could be a combination of any.

6. Use Strong Rhetoric ( I like to refer to it is Male Rhetoric)

This may be more relevant for young female employees, but I’ve noticed that many friends of mine, many of my interns and many of my co-workers habitually use rhetoric that lacks certainty and expresses doubt and second-guessing.

Work on not using words that express doubt or uncertainty. Also, try and use fewer words that could be considered intimate or emotional, such as “feeling” or “hoping”. I started practicing this when I was in college and since then, people who have first time encounters with me through writing still assume that I am a man before they meet me. Still though, I have to practice in the mirror before interviews or meetings, cutting phrases like ” I would love to” out of my vocabulary.

Now, before I ruffle any feathers, my point is not that you should try and sound like your male co-workers. But I do want to point out that you may be able to pick up some tips from them that can help you establish yourself and provoke more action in the people that you’re working with.

Like tone of voice, body language and other cues, certain types of rhetoric will elicit different responses from your audience.

For example, if my boss is asking for decision or I am making a proposal I will choose words such as:

  • I am sure that, versus I feel like
  • I am looking forward to, versus I’d love to
  • It would be beneficial, versus it would be nice
  • I want to, versus I would like to
  • I recommend, versus maybe we should

These words push and convince my superiors and co-workers to act on my opinions and suggestions much faster because they convey more certainty in and ownership of the idea being communicated. Men and women alike trust me more, and I sound more firm in what may still simply be a belief and therefore reliable.

You see, I may still just be offering a “belief” but my firmness gives my listeners more confidence in that belief.

Believe it or not, these subtleties do have an effect on your influence within your office and amongst your co-workers. A strong team player can only become a strong influence by communicating her ideas with certainty and strength.

If you are looking to improve your communication skills, you can always take online classes. I understand that going back to school may not be a priority, but it might actually be exactly what you need. For example you can be learn about negotiating and conflict engagement or dispute resolution online by following an online Mediation Training program. Plus, they have a class about culture, gender and power differences that will give you many considerable advantages in which ever your position you hold in the company.

7. Study Hard and Know Your Stuff

My dad always told me that I should always work to be twice as good as my male counterpart. And though it should never be a competition, if it has to be you need to make sure that you know your stuff and remember these three things.

  • Your best weapon is your ability to contribute more to the team than your competition can.
  • Knowing that you know your stuff fuels your confidence and increases your ability to both hold your weight against the competition and communicate with strength.
  • Knowing your stuff keeps you at the table, in the discussion and gives you influence.

Now… go for it!

And please share comments! This is such an important topic for female professionals especially with so many of us entering the workforce, and I’m always so interested in hearing stories and opinions on it!

106 replies to this post
  1. Fabulous information. As an Image Strategist with a specialty in nonverbal branding and the silent language of clothes, the suggestion to present oneself “in a statuesque manner, rather than a sexy manner” is a winner as is the suggestion to aim “for grace, dignity and poise rather than seduction or desire” and the distinction between “sexy distraction” and “elegant contribution” is brilliant. In Games Mother Never Taught You, Betty Lehan Harrigan warned that sex used in business will trivialize and marginalize a woman. So, while this can be useful for doing business with certain kinds of people (and we know who those are, don’t we, girls), it often backfires.

    In addition, one might consider learning and using the silent language of clothes with which men signal success to each other (hint: fashion, in male think, equals frivolous). Then you can craft a clothes strategy that takes advantage of Malcolm Gladwell’s 2 second blink to allow your success intentions to enter the conversation and the room before you open your mouth.

  2. Holland: This post offers fantastic and concrete techniques for women to practice and master for gaining respect, not only in the workplace, but in any environment. Knowing one’s audience and understanding the culture of that audience is critical to being respected and building a productive relationship. Your self-confidence is obvious but not arrogant. It appears you have innate inter-personal traits that will allow you to be successful with meeting your own or any organization’s client relations. Best wishes to you and kudos to those involved with your upbringing. You are a special individual. I’m signing up for your posts to keep connected with you. — Lynn S.

  3. Thank you for this article. I recently received the feedback that my executive presence was lacking and you have some tips in here to not only step up the presence but also ensure our dignity and poise is intact. Incredibly helpful article that is much appreciated. I will be using your tips!

  4. Great tips! I especially like your suggestions for Strong Rhetoric. I find as women we are so used to playing the nice role and may be afraid to use power talk with the fear of coming off like a b.i.t.c.h. The truth of the matter is we come off sounding like we lack confidence. I’ve noticed that I use the world “try” a lot and I am working to eliminate it from my vocabulary. Awareness is the first step. Also, women use the word “sorry” way to much. STOP IT right now!!! There is no need to apologize unless you hurt someone’s feelings or did something rude/inappropriate.

    thanks for a great post.

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  6. Really enjoyed reading this and as a workwear streetstyle fashion photographer/commentator and professional myself, think it makes for sound career advice to print out and give to new starters. That’s from a female perspective; it’d be very interesting to hear what males think of this advice too. I’ll try get some of my colleagues to read it.

  7. Great article and tips for women of all ages!! Angela’s post…stop saying your “sorry” is a great reminder that every time you do, you are shifting your personal power to the other person(s). It is okay to apologize for some thing meaningful however “sorry” is filler talk for most women.
    I would ask your audience to observe how many times they hear “sorry” and the context it is being said AND more importantly who is saying it. If you hear a man say it….let the rest of us know I have been in and around the work place for way to many years to state here and I can say I have heard “sorry” from a man in a business environment a handful of times.

  8. I’m happy to hear that this information was helpful! It’s based off of some very honest observations that I’ve been fortunate enough to make in my first year out of school and my own personal struggles with “adjusting” myself.

    I’m not surprised that each of you picked up on what I also believed to be the two most poignant points- being statuesque rather than sexy and using stronger rhetoric- COMMUNICATION. Verbal and Non-Verbal communication are obviously still playing dominant roles in the workplace.

    In retrospect, I also find it interesting that I may have subconsciously written this piece in a way that caters primarily to winning the respect of men.

    I wonder if all the tips that I’ve given here would apply if we were working in female dominated industries? That’s definitely something to be explored, because I know for a fact that some women have actually been taken aback by the use of stronger rhetoric from other women. Also, a women’s ability to relate to and create a relationship with another woman she is working with is pivotal. So if we were in hypothetically female dominated females in which all the women dressed very “daintily” or more “fashionable” as Beryl mentions and one woman dressed more… let’s just say strategically and less stylish, would the women accept her? Or perhaps they’d feel unable to relate and therefore threatened by her, and then shun her?

    There are so many things to we could discuss! But I believe that the above points are great starting points.

    Please continue to bring in your friends and co-workers for input on this topic, and BusiChic please encourage male readership and feedback. I’m sure it would be insightful.

    As for me, I’ve begun working on a bit of a follow up piece on an interesting topic that I hope the editing team will enjoy, so Lynn there should be more soon!


  9. This is a FABulous article that I soo would have read about 20 years ago as a young professional entering the workforce – primarily dominated by men. In the early stages of my career, I was overlooked and locked out of promotions I more than qualified for within the company I was diligently working on behalf of. I had no team to support me. I stood my ground (I was naive!!) and formally grieved to the men in charge, about the men in charge, and what was going on. Most women any age would NOT have thought that a good idea (again, I was naive!). Once the formal procedures were over, not only was I promoted (of course with their verbal beliefs that I would be over-promoted – the Peter Principle) but, I was promoted 5, yes 5, more times in the next 6 years! When I left that business, I was a senior level Director having begun in a basement as a lowly Clerk. Your information is an inspiration to women of all ages. Thank you for taking the time, doing the research, and having the great work ethic you needed to create for us!!

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  10. I agree. I agree. I agree! Great information and well worded. Love …… change that I … I look forward to read you site from this point forward.

    If you do what you do, and I do what I do Women will be running the entire show in no time. (smile)

  11. I have always been taught to do my very best at any job I do. My work ethic will shine through, always. I learned that in the corporate world though, you have to be careful not to be OVERLY ambitious and step on toes or disregard other peoples ideas. I learned a hard lesson working with a team at my first professional job. Being subtle with the presentation of your ideas to the group is better than being overly excited and pushing it down their throats. The team will respect YOU when you have shown respect and welcome their ideas as much as your own. And I also learned at that job not to reveal that incredible work ethic right away because people will set the bar there and if you fall below it, you fail their expectations.

  12. Here is what I learned from the workplace:
    The best way to achieving your goals is to communicate your needs/ideas with confidence and grace. Most of all, it is important to share credit where it is due..and to never take credit for an idea or project which was never proposed or started by you. I agree with the author when she stated that it is better to be elegant, not sexy…however, wearing eye-catching accessories ( a pair of earrings, bright scarf, pin, and etc) will allow you to maintain your individuality and express your personality. You must also become a continuous learner by seeking out opportunities to build or enhance your skills. Most of all, you should communicate your successes at work with your boss, while thanking those that have helped or contributed to them along the way, via email or a report to your boss and “cc” those that helped you. Doing this not only enables you to build strong relationships with your co-workers, it also shows strong leadership skills. Also, you should resist the temptation to participate in gossip, and avoid conversations on these topics: sex, politics, and race/ethnicity. Practice business etiquette such as greeting your co-workers and treat everyone with respect, no matter what poisition they hold in the organization (janitor, receptionist, etc)…be friendly but not flirtatious with the opposite sex. Try not to date someone you work with unless both adults are professional and can handle the relationship properly. You should also build a positive, working relationship with your boss (be friendly, but professional).

  13. Thanks for the lovely tips : 0 I’m also a young working girl but have never landed in a position where I felt lesser than any of my male counterpart. May be it’s because the place where I work has less variety of people! Well I’ll keep your suggestions in mind , they may help me in future:)
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  14. I really enjoyed reading this article. I have more of the advantage to work with a female -dominated office and there is a tendency to “buddy up ” or be a “man-eater” complex over the years.
    I find that as a manager, one must be as un-emotional as possible, and dealing w/ youth in an educational and arts industry its a challenge and tying in a business setting, dressing conservative but w/ tasteful accessories is important to set a professional example for the many teenagers and young ladies, and guys I have to impact.
    Public speaking , interviewing skills and listening well, articulating properly over the telephone for me are very important and using the right time management skills require patience ! Thanks, i really need the continual support

  15. Your advice is right on track and should be added to the tool boxes of budding professionals.
    I have always been grateful to my many mentors and lessons. I worked for an old cowboy at one point who told me my feeling had nothng to do with how the fence hung. Years later and many different occupations, I understand a good day’s work involves solutions. Feelings can do more to harm a problem than accomplish a solution.
    When true professionals discuss problems, feelings are not part of thier vernacular, or action, only possible routes to solutions. Not caring for an individual,”feeling” that they do not like, or respect you, is not reason to count them out as a possible solution in a workplace. “Sharing” your “feelings”, gives the appearance of being vulnerable, uncertian and needy. Share your ideas to improve product, supply , demand and increased potential ,even overall moral. Don’t share feeling about delivery guy, copy girl, individual lifestyle or religion. How you work , and treat people as a professional, will speak volumes.

  16. This is a fabulous article. It is as if you’ve read minds of all young women professionals. I find that it is much more difficult for a woman, than it is for a man, to make her voice heard and be influential. It has largely got to do with acceptance – though this is changing, there is a long way to go. (I wish as many men would write blogs like this to counsel men at work to appreciate and accept women co-workers and look at them on an equal platform. Women wouldn’t have to try this hard then!). All your points bear the utmost truth and are worth practicing. Thanks for sharing this.

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  18. Wonderful article! I work in the sports industry, in a sales position, with mostly men as my counterparts and have been recently struggling with having them take me seriously. We do have to work twice as hard and be on our A-game at all times. Great info!

  19. I am going through a difficult time at work. Been at new
    Job for 5 months. My boss said he needs someone
    Assertive that can take charge and close a deal.
    And this is based on my personality not my work
    Performance in my opinion. The good advise I did
    Get was it does matter if people like me but it
    Is important that people respect me.

  20. This is awesome- I am one of only 3 women in my office the other two are older one is married the other in a serious relationship- I find myself struggling for the men of my office to take me seriously because I am young attractive female (a short young attractive female) if don’t wear 5 inch heels they are constantly looking down on me (literally) if I wear heels to match their eye level then I am trashy, they look at me as if I am a piece of meat and your article has really helped me understand that I do those thing unintentionally from here on out I am going to take this article and my work to heart and be statuesque (love it!) rather then sexy- be direct instead of emotional- and try my hardest to befriend the other women(2) of the office

  21. I have just come across this article whilst doing some research for a contemporary feminist essay, and your advice is the epitome of what I believe it means to be a feminist these days. Treating everyone equally, yet gaining respect by playing to our strengths as women. I was inspired by all your points and love your clear writing style. All the best for the future!

  22. Excellent article. I am adjusting from mid management to more senior roles at the monent and am struggling to find the right mix when interviewing. My personal appearance is quite youthful (Thanks Ma) but it can detract from my professional ambitions when interviewing or networking as people are genuinely surprised at my true age. Your advice can be applied in these instances as well as landing in the office!

    Glad to have stumbled upon your article, cheers.

    • My male boss in my new job says I lack that influential
      Factor, the type of person that can close the deal.
      (there is no deal to close??) my 2 other male counterparts in the office always exclude me from projects and meetings even
      When our boss says the “team” needs to work
      Together on the project. My boss told me I have
      To work with the team even though they are not.
      When I become assertive the 2 co workers tell
      My boss I am being rude. Can’t figure it out:(

  23. Excellent article. I am 21 and already starting my career as a professional registered nurse. Sometimes, I have this feeling that my colleagues don’t take me seriously, either I am too young or I am new in the institution. Anyhow, your article has all the tips I am looking for. Huge props to you.

  24. I would suggest that what you say is also true for any young person starting out in the workplace and being able to relate to everybody within your organisation from the CEO downwards is a good trait. As they say you meet them on the way up but you also meet them on the way down and any impression you have made always stays be it good or bad.
    I found that your comments were succinct and to the point and should be a process adopted by both male and female employees, good management is a skill and team work is a necessity to ensure business works. Unfortunately as you say this is not always the case and petty jealousy and insecurity often seem to go hand in hand resulting in people feeling threatened and bullied (unfortunately some people get a buzz from intimidating their co- worker)
    I enjoyed your article

  25. This is truly a good insight for women`s presence to be acknowledged in the workforce. I took note of sentence structure as I noticed that those are the exact words that I use when expressing my opinions/making suggestions but from this second forth – Its all business and to all women making it happen in the different professions; I recommend that these good words be spread to other sisters so that they may also step up their game.

  26. I can’t believe a woman of your position put an article online without proof reading it. There are two terrible mistakes I noticed. It’s just the same old nonsense that’s in any magazine every week.

    • Seriously, Myleene? How old are we? Perhaps her next article is on cattiness. If the only thing you gathered from this article were that there were two terrible mistakes then you need more help than this forum can provide. God forbid you EVER make a mistake…eek!! I’ll be the first to alert the authorities.

      On another note, Holland, GREAT post. Keep it up!

  27. Cecilia you sound like an approval seeker to me. Fight your way into equal status by having good ideas. Stop thinking “why are they treating me like this” true leaders don’t seek approval.

  28. Respect and disrespect are both annoying, and shouldn’t exist at all. Or, at least, respect should be unconditional, kind of like love. When you try and earn respect of others through changing and adjusting yourself, you might actually develop resentment towards those people, who you expect it from because respect is the only gateway that allows you to trasfer your ideas into their heads to produce the desired results. You start asking yourself questions such as – What does it tell me about people in general if their respect is so conditional and you can lose it simply by losing your status, job or looks, which these people have such strong reaction to. They’ll immediately throw you into a trashcan… It feels like terrorism.

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  30. What a great article! I, for one, am certainly guilty of making non-committal statements. “I would love to…” is unfortunately one of my go-to phrases. I plan on applying many of the tips you’ve offered here, Ms. Banks. Keep up the good work!

  31. I completely agree with the section on using strong rhetoric. As a recent graduate looking for my first big girl job, I do believe that my use of more certain language has made interviewers view me as more mature and professional.

  32. These are great tips and tricks. However, I have a specific situation in which I am looking for some good advice.
    I had a call this morning and not only did he point out that I am just starting out my career, but he also asked if I was the only one to decide if he moves on in the hiring process (I am a recruiter for a small IT company and I am the front face of the recruitment in our headquartered office). He was questioning the hiring process, and when I explained the reasoning behind the questionnaire (it compiles important information into one place but it also gives me a good indication of the candidates personality and fit with our culture). He laughed, saying that he wasn’t laughing at me but usually these types of questionnaires are used differently. I felt extremely disrespected. He then emailed me that after speaking to me decided this wasn’t the right opportunity for him.
    I have been told by several of my candidates that I am a very thoughtful and thorough recruiter and I have been endorsed by many people. However, today I felt belittled and disrespected. I would like to hear from others on how I could have turned around the situation. How could I have handled that differently to evoke a different response?
    I did speak with my supervisor and explained what happened. He doesn’t think the process should change and he doesn’t believe I am acting immature in any way. I did my work to find out if I am the problem and my findings are that the man on the phone was just disrespectful. Please, let me know your thoughts!

  33. I’m writing an email to my male supervisors and just started it… “I would like to discuss this tomorrow. I’d love to get your feedback.” Then I stopped myself because it sounded something like what I read yesterday on your site. I looked your site up again, and now I’ll change it to “I want to talk about this tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.”

  34. This is great information for a young professional woman. I especially agree with #2 that a woman in a male-dominated work place should still look feminine, but she should also be ready to handle the dirty and tough work. I also like #7; I also believe that being knowledgeable and being prepared to work twice as hard helps to gain respect.

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  38. I am sure that the working atmosphere is quite different in the US than Sweden, but it upsets me how these comments are only positive, as if no one recognizes that women constantly are the ones that have to adjust to their male co-workers. We live in a world where it is the norm; an acceptance that the office should be male dominated, where we women have to change our language and our natural ways in order to fit in to the office environment. I find it hard, as a young girl, to always be thankful for my well deserved employment, while being discriminated and having a lower salary then my male co-worker. I know that Sweden is far ahead when it comes to questions of equality, same pay for same job and honoring female qualities instead of suppressing them in the male-dominated working places, but you, as American women should also strive for what you deserve and don’t let old social structures come in the way of your worth and rights as human beings.

  39. Wow, this was very helpful. I printed out to put by my desk the word change examples you gave. I am guilty of a number of these. Having this list handy, I am being much more intentional and careful about the words I use for the reasons you outlined. Thank you!

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