All of this Valentine’s Day talk is really starting to irritate me.  I can’t get away from it- horrible Kay Jewelers and Jared commercials.  The escapades on The Bachelor (more on this for viewers at the end).  Watching dumb girls give it up too soon on The Millionaire Matchmaker in hopes that they will get a free ride for the rest of their lives… 

And outside of TV land, I get angry when hearing about dating rough patches a few of my girlfriends are facing (yes, of course it is the guy’s faults haha).  And shocked (yet not shocked) about a conversation I had with my guy friend the other day about whether or not he should take his regular hook-up out for Valentine’s Day even though he never wants to be in a relationship with her…

Jesus people!

I never notice all the focus on fairy tale weddings, proposals and marriages, but this February, I’m noticing it like whoa.  It scares me.  Mostly because I feel that the media makes relationships and marriage out to be some romantic, magical and whimsical perfection which its just never gonna be.

Perhaps all this media fluff is partially responsible for the high level of divorce in our country?  Perhaps we go into relationships having completely unrealistic expectations? Did people (and advertising agencies) not get the memo that the Beaver Cleaver days are long gone?

And for those of us that are in our mid-twenties- I can hear the fear in my peers’ voices about never getting married, never “finding someone” etc.  Why all the pressure?

And for those of you who watch The Bachelor like I do, I can’t leave this post without saying a few things about last night’s episode:

Alli:Kudos to you on leaving The Bachelor in order to continue your career and job at Facebook. You seem to be the most stable, intelligent and confident of all the women this season.  You would have been crazy to stay only for Jake to end up with the winner (if you want to know who wins, check out realitysteve.com).

Gia: I’m so annoyed that you have nothing to say other than how hurt you have been in the past. How are you going to ever move forward and have a future with someone if you can’t stop crying and mulling over all of your past?  No one wants to date OR marry a cry baby.  You’re lucky Alli left on her own, otherwise you’d be gone like the wind this week.

Tenley:You are slightly nuts.  You are the prettiest of the finalists yet you seem to have forgotten that you are not 6 years old anymore.  You can stop talking like a baby, reminiscing over your child hood, fawning over Daddy, and not listening to what Jake says.  You prove my theory of why people get married to a fantasy and get divorced young.  Remember last night when you wanted to make sure Jake wasn’t a Momma’s boy?  Well he said he was, but you were too busy fantasizing about your glass slipper that you didn’t even hear him and you said “perfect!”  Wake up.

This post is a bit random, but I had to see if any of you guys were feeling this way about all the Valentine’s Day hype too.  It is SO annoying even for those of us who are in relationships. 

The one thing I’ve learned this week from both watching tv and talking to my friends, is to listen to what people are saying.  People show you who they are right away.  It’s up to you to listen and take it for what it is. 

I’ve learned this the hard way more than once, and  I’m sure you have too.  Usually once you go through a breakup you realize that they showed you the signs of who they were from day 1.

Thoughts?

• You want to make more money
• You hate Corporate America and dream of working for yourself
• You fear you don’t have enough experience
• You’re still getting used to this whole “new and uncomfortable situations” thing

I’ve been following Ramit Sethi’s blog iwillteachyoutoberich.com for quite a while and LOVE the series he just wrapped up over the last 3 weeks on earning more money. He provided case studies, interviews, ways to get your first 3 clients, goes over psychological barriers and provides detailed action items rather than just fluff. He also has a really cool online series of courses called earn1k which coaches you on how to earn your first $1,000 of freelance income.

One of his posts included the short video below about devaluing yourself. Watch the video and think about how young professionals devalue themselves all the time, which then holds them back. You can think of it in terms of your job, starting your own business, or even dating people who suck.

Devaluing yourself can sneak up on you unintentionally.

For example, when someone asks you “what’s your rate/how much are you hoping to make if hired?” do you say, “well um, yeah, geez- it’d be nice to make x but honestly whatever you think is fair is fine.” Guess what you will get? A. Someone on the other side of the table who now views you as inexperienced, unconfident and possibly not that good. Or, B, s/he just sees cheap labor. They will pay you the way you respond.

Solution: State your rate confidently, stick to it, be wiling to walk away and pursue other opportunities who WILL pay you what you deserve.

Outcome: Regardless of if you landed the project or job, you just established yourself as valuable and enticing. You will now be in higher demand because you were willing to be uncomfortable for 3 minutes.

Now think of this situation in terms of dating. Perhaps it is very important to you that your life partner shares your religious background and shares your love of marathon running and traveling to foreign countries. Stick to your criteria and be willing to walk away. Not only are you more attractive, but you are more likely to get exactly what you want by confidently “naming your price” and sticking to it.

Whomever you are devaluing yourself to, you are only hurting yourself. Business people and people in your personal life will gladly take what they can get if you’re willing to give it to them.

This week, pay attention to what you say and how you portray your value to others. I bet you will devalue yourself at times without even realizing it. First gain awareness, then try putting your poker face on to get what you want. Let us know how it goes.

How have you devalued yourself in the past? How did the situation turn out? What did you learn from it?

As I woke up at 5:30 this morning to get a head start on my day, I was debating what to write about today. First, let’s start by saying that this whole 5:30 AM wake up call is new for me and is the result of doing a little 2010 planning and goal setting. It is also the result of reviewing my 2009 goals.

I’m a huge believer in goal setting and creating a plan for the year ahead. It’s way too easy to get caught up in the routine tasks of daily life and then watch another year fly by with no progress. I always split up my annual plan into four sections: financial, health, career and personal. This year I’m adding one more part: I want to do something challenging that I’ve never done before.

2009 was a big year for me: I got a new job, a raise, I am living on my own for the first time, I got a puppy, I met and am dating the love of my life, I survived one whole month without shopping, I joined a women’s mentorship program to help underserved high school girls head to college, I’ve strengthened my friendships, took my first girl’s trip (to New York City- also a first for me) and feel a lot more stability and peace within myself.

I’m positive that I would not have accomplished any of these things or made the important changes that I did without my beloved 2009 goals. All year I kept my goals on my desktop at both my home and work computer and reviewed them frequently.

I’ve started on my 2010 list and encourage you to do the same. Split your goals up into categories that are important to you. Your goal setting should be “SMART”:

S: Specific

M: Measurable

A: Attainable

R: Realistic

T: Timely

This year I’m planning on running my first half marathon, reducing my credit card debt, increasing my savings, and doing a lot more with Ms. Career Girl. Of course I’ll need to set specific numbers for my financial goals, and define exactly what I want to do differently here at Ms. Career Girl. I will then break the goals down into what needs to be done each month, week and day to achieve them. Setting milestones (such as each quarter) to review your progress will keep you motivated and on track with achieving your goals and creating your own ideal life.

What big goals did you accomplish in 2009? What do you plan on accomplishing in 2010?

By, Vanessa Torres

Last week I had coffee with an exceptional woman who is building a business in this shaky economy. But she believes so wholeheartedly in her mission that she is completely un-discouraged by news reports that imply certain failure. She knows she is on to something good, and that with the right plans and preparation, she will certainly be successful. I believer her 100%.

Julie’s website is called Heels Connect and it’s a great resource for professional women looking to take their careers to the next level. Of course, when we met, the conversation quickly went from professional to personal and we couldn’t help but dish a little bit on striking a balance between being female entrepreneurs and single women. Needless to say we shared a few laughs about how our goals on both sides can seem ridiculously out of reach sometimes!

She recently wrote a blog post that veered away from her usual career-minded topics, about finding true love in life only after she felt completely satsfied with the life she currently had. She called it, “Who Do You Want When You’re Full?” and likened finding a satisfying relationship to an excellent meal she had recently enjoyed with friends.

“When I’m starving, everything looks delicious. I’m ready to eat anything to satisfy my hunger. But I often regret what I ate when I’m full afterwards. I wish I hadn’t stuffed myself. The halibut, on the other hand, still tasted great even though I wasn’t hungry. I still wanted it and enjoyed it immensely. And I had no regrets afterwards; I want the same in a man. No, I don’t want him to taste like halibut…” Read more

She asked to me to respond with my thoughts on the matter, and naturally, I obliged:

Julie, you bring up an excellent point.

When you sat down to that meal, you were already satisfied. You didn’t arrive at the restaurant starving, diving into the bread basket, stuffing your face and counting the minutes until your meal arrived. You were enjoying good company and waiting patiently for what the waiter had described as a surely delicious meal. When the food arrived, you wholeheartedly enjoyed every last bite.

Often, when we are feeling lonely or frustrated with our lives, our judgment becomes clouded and we “eat” unconsciously. If we’ve been hurt by a guy, we run out and look for his exact opposite. If we haven’t dated in awhile, we jump on the first guy who offers to buy us a latte. Bad idea. Likewise, with the economy in a state of flux, many of us are forced to take jobs we don’t feel passionate about – or stay in jobs that make us miserable. Like your latte date, these may not be the best options, but we go ahead and pounce anyway.

It’s no coincidence that dating and career coaches repeatedly tell us the same thing : never underestimate your worth. Because doing so will cause you to make decisions from a desperate place, and that almost never works out for the best.

I have a good friend who works freelance in an industry that regularly requires her to weigh critical issues like quality of life vs. money. Prestige vs. passion. And sometimes she goes one way, and sometimes the other. But, she asks herself the same question before accepting each gig: Is this job the professional equivalent of the first guy who asked me to prom? Would I rather just shore up my date now and know that I’m going, or do I feel like waiting and seeing if I can do better?

So what’s the lesson here? Sometimes, we have to take a situation that’s less than ideal and make the best of it. That shows flexibility on your part. A willingness to try new things and go with the flow. HOWEVER, a temporary situation doesn’t have to define you – if it doesn’t feel right, you are free to change it just as soon as you get the chance.

The bigger lesson? If you do your best to make important decisions when you don’t feel pressured, the outcome will almost always reflect who you really are, not the starving girl pawing at the bread basket.

And now I’m off to ponder dessert…

–

In 2007 Vanessa Torres experienced her “aha!” moment while going through the aftermath of a broken engagement.   Not being able to find a place where women could get support from peers – and professionals – she decided to create one.   Her website, www.ThatHappenedtoMe.com launched in October of 2008 with the support of a team of experts prepared to give women what they want and need – comforting!  One of the main goals of the site is to encourage women to open up about this painful experience and share their stories in an effort to lessen the feelings of shame, rejection, isolation and depression that are so prevalent during a breakup.  It’s also a place to share tips, coping strategies, and even a joke or two.
Now a full-fledged single lady, Vanessa puts all her effort into being as fabulous as can be.  Los Angeles has a lot to offer and she is very busy taking advantage of it all.

On my morning run yesterday, I passed Chicago’s Anti-Cruelty Society. I happened to be wearing my pink baseball hat with a black lab on it (which marked me as either a totally cheesy and tacky lady, or an animal lover). There were two women standing outside in the pouring rain a few hours before the shelter opened so they could be the first in line. I stopped to talk to them to ask what dog they were waiting for. They heard there would be Pomeranian puppies and they were dying to have one.

 I told them about my puppy search for a male yellow lab and that I had been checking out the shelter a lot lately. Then I told them I’d be right back. For some reason I noticed a few days earlier that I have 5 umbrellas in my front closet. I ran back to my apartment a few blocks away and grabbed each of the nice ladies an umbrella. They were SO thankful and happy about the umbrellas as they still had at least two hours of waiting to go.

And in turn, I was happy at starting the week off with a random act of kindness, and perhaps even a little bit of good karma!

Try making someone’s day at least once this week. It could be a client, a friend, or a co-worker. If you are feeling down about work or have a “case of the Monday’s” today, I guarantee that doing something nice and unexpected will boost your mood and outlook.

My favorite Law of Attraction expert, Michael Losier, always suggests to monitor the vibe you are sending out because that is what you will get in return. The best way to change your “vibration” from negative to positive is to do something about it. Michael would say to “press the reset button,” but sometimes it takes more than a mental shift, and rather a positive ACTION.

Give out a dose of happiness today and I bet it will come right back to you fivefold.

Happy Monday!