Failing Relationship? Should You Stay or Should You Go?
Relationships can be a wonderful addition to our life, they can be the fuel to elevate us, nurture us and give us the wings to create an even greater and happier life.
But if we find ourselves in a relationship that leaves us feeling like we are somehow less, contracted or wrong in any way (like basically being a judgable offence), drained of our energy and depressed, or realizing we are just a shadow of who we once were. That might be an obvious sign, that the relationship is not benefiting us and that something has to change.
Should you stay, or should you go?
From personal experience, I know quite well the effects that a toxic relationship can have on your life, your body and your emotional and physical health, not to mention your finances and your overall success. I spent five years in an abusive relationship and, now that I’m free of it, I work with others on finding and expressing their own voice – not only in relationships but in all life situations.
Toxic relationships by definition are seldom salvageable; with that being said, not every kind of toxic relationship is unchangeable. We always have a choice to stay or leave, but it should be OUR choice.
While my relationship was no longer salvageable, others in similar circumstances need to be able to view their situation clearly and find their voice to express their feelings.
Here are some tools that can provide clarity and help liberate yourself from toxic situations and relationships:
Be Honest With Yourself
The greatest kindness you can give yourself is to be honest with yourself and look at what you really would like to have in your life. And will the relationship in question really provide that for you? Will it bring you closer to what you would like or take you further away from it?
Our tendency is to approach things that are not working for us, by trying to fix them or make them a little better and it is like putting a bandage on a bleeding wound. It doesn’t really work. We are basically doing the same thing a little bit differently instead of doing something entirely different.
Ask Different Questions
Asking different questions can provide more clarity to the situation, such as: What will the choice to leave create? How will that feel for me? If I leave this situation/relationship, what will my life be like? Will I feel regret or relief? Then ask: What will my life be like if I stay? And it might be wise to add this question to the mix: What will my life be like if I stay AND change something or choose something totally different that I have never chosen before, that might result in changing the relationship? See which one of those has the lightest sense to it (or ‘feels’ the lightest). Don’t try and force answers one way or another, just gently pay attention to what comes up in your thoughts, not just immediately – but also in the days after asking those questions.
Learn To Not Judge Yourself
When you’re not judging yourself, it’s easier to see your own value. This can give you a different perspective on your relationship and what kind of treatment you should be receiving.
Instead start looking at where you can be grateful for yourself. Make it a daily practice of finding at least 5 things you are grateful for about yourself. When you accomplish that, usually the relationships will change as well, because the other person is merely mirroring the belief we have about ourselves. If you manage to change that, then there will no longer be the need for them to play that role in your life, which will make way for change to occur.
Use Your Intuition
In these kinds of situations using your intuition and asking yourself questions, without any preconceived ideas of what the answer should be, can be key. For example: Is this situation okay for me? What will this choice create? How will that feel for me? Every situation has a feeling to it. When you’re making choices see which decision ‘feels’ lighter. If looking at one of your options ‘feels’ heavy and contracted or makes you feel that you are becoming smaller, then that might not be the best option for you. For example, have you ever known not to do something, but you did it anyway, even though you knew exactly how it was going to turn out? This will feel similar to that, like that ‘gut feeling’. You will know! Trust yourself.
Flip your relationship on its head and look at what is working, instead of what isn’t. Seeing things from another angle can be incredibly helpful.
Looking at the situation from the perspective of the future your choices will create for you and your children, can be a definite gamechanger. So if you have kids, see if you feel happy with the example you’re setting. In my case, I knew I didn’t want my daughter to think ours was a relationship to aspire to, so I knew I had to leave.
You can also ask your partner if the way they are being or functioning right now is the example they would like to be setting for their children, and the choices they make in regards to relationships in the future.
Yes, It Takes Two
When we start realizing that there are actually two people responsible for creating the relationship, and that we are not the victim, but the creator of our circumstances, things can start changing really dynamically as we start seeing our own value and can start creating our life as we would like it to be, not based on other people’s points of view, wants and desires. This is the place from which healthy relationships can start to blossom.
This guest post was authored by Marja Zapusek
Marja Zapusek is an Access Consciousness certified facilitator and Right Voice for You facilitator. She is also a licenced mediator with a law degree and works in the corporate world as an assistant auditor and CEO of two companies (one accounting, one self-development) Before she found Access she had tried all sorts of modalities, none of which created any sense of space, lightness, freedom or even much change.
Access helped her leave an abusive relationship, create a happy home with her beautiful daughter, have a healthy body and build a thriving business traveling the world – living her dreams and teaching others to do the same.