Babies, Nirvana, and the No-Goes of Online Dating

Hi friends. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m an online dater. My friends are too. And while we’ve been studying this magical dating tool, we’ve quickly realized that there are a lot of guys online that just don’t have it together. But through our “research” we’ve recognized characteristics on male dating profiles that immediately rule them out of the competition for our hearts.

So with the help of my friends, I’ve compiled a list of absolute no-goes for online dating profiles. If you come upon a profile with one of the following characteristics in their profile, steer clear!

1. Mirror Pictures

This means they don’t have any friends to take a picture of them. This also means most likely you are getting a shot of their bathroom. How does that look??

2. If They Are Willing To Date Someone Under 21 

Now unless the gentleman is freshly 21, this is just creepy. One of the first questions you get asked while making a profile is what age range you are looking for. Personally, if a guy is willing to date a girl who isn’t of the legal age to go to most entertaining places in a city, that is just sketchy.

 3. If There is Another Girl in the Pictures

If there is a chick in the  profile picture, boy has issues. He is either super insecure and wants to show you he really can snag a girl or he is showing off his prostitute friend. Also- babies. Maybe some girls dig babies but at this point in my life, I don’t want your kid. Don’t try to hypnotize me into your heart with that adorable child.

4. Terrible Movies or Music

Now this is all personal opinion but I think it says something. I will NEVER message a guy who lists any Nicholas Cage movies as a favorite.

5. If They Refer to “Mother and Father” or “Mommy and Daddy” on Their Profile

It’s happened people. Creepy. Too attached. Keep mom and dad out of this.

 6. Typos

The absolute worst! If you’re meeting someone in a bar you don’t say “Hi. I is Lauren.” This is you making a first impression! Proofread! Care about what you are doing! Don’t be a sloppy mess! Make your bed!

7. Talking Too Much About Yourself

Seriously, I know you want me to get to know who you are. But save something for the first date! I don’t want a novel. You already exhaust me.

8. Only Quotes

If the entire profile is just quotes from other people, this guy has no idea who he is or what he is doing. But yes, Nirvana did have some poetic lyrics. Fail.

9. Saying “I Hate Internet Dating”

Seriously?? You hate Internet dating?? Then why are you on here? And what does that say about me!?! Just give up the façade and embrace it. And don’t message me again.

10. “Ha Ha Ha”

It wasn’t that funny. Stop virtually laughing. This also goes for 😉 , LOL, :P, LMAO,  or <3. Just stop it.

11. Usernames Referencing Something Terrible

Thuglife_6666, TorturedSoulBoi, Casual_Only, EyeKerryAHandgun8. Every one a no go.

I could probably extend this list (too many shirtless pics, “not looking for fat chicks”, apologetic profiles, any reference to sexcapades,) but I don’t want to overwhelm you. I also know I’m a tad harsh too, (I’m sure ONE good guy likes a Nicholas Cage movie). There are good guys online! I promise.

Hopefully this list might help, but I’m sure you’ve got a list of your own. What is a complete no go for you? Let’s talk.

Happy Thursday Y’all.

Lauren Schaefer

Lauren Schaefer is a nonprofit event planner, comedy improviser, avid blogger and New York City single lady. She documents her own new journey as a young professional in New York at her blog From the Fifth Floor.

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