Why You Are Attracting The Wrong Men

In Sex and the City Season 2 Episode 13, Carrie decides to see a therapist at the encouragement of her friends, who are sick of hearing her talk about Mr. Big. Upon hearing of her misadventures in dating, the therapist says, “Well, the thing they all have in common…is you. Maybe you’re picking the wrong men.” After the session, annoyed, Carrie tells her girlfriends, “I do not pick the wrong men! They pick me!”

But at the end of the episode, we see that Carrie has indeed partnered with another ill-suited mate.

Why does this keep happening? 


FEAR. Fear of anger, fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of intimacy…these are all real fears. As Best-selling author Elizabeth Gilbert recently said to Oprah, “Your fear is the most boring thing about you…it’s just the one we all got wired with when we came in. Don’t listen to it. Onward!”

Take the following analogy: Selective Listener : Inaccurate Info :: Selective “Emotioner”: Absent Authenticity

Some people are selective listeners; they only hear the information that they desire to hear, which is often inaccurate and not the entire story. Selective ‘emotioners’ (not a word, I just made it up for this analogy), are similar; they only experience some feelings, (so they don’t get burned), and are maybe preventing getting hurt but are also missing out on being their true, authentic self.

Reversing ingrained behaviors takes awareness, reflection, and work. Be patient with yourself as you gather up the courage and willpower to break the cycle of acting out of fear. Once you are acting as your strong self (instead of as your afraid self), you will stop attracting men who are wrong for you.

To combat your fear of anger: If you used to be the agreeable people pleaser, visualize yourself speaking confidently to your partner or to a family member. You might even write down what might happen if you don’t drop this bad pattern. Could you be unhappy? Would you weaken your sense of self-respect?

Identifying the unpleasant penalties associated with NOT finding your voice can be the push you need to STAY empowered in each of your interpersonal relationships.


Eradicate your fear of trust: I found an awesome cartoonist’ depiction of what this looks like, titled “To Love At All.” If you had a partner that lied or accused you of lying, imagine a relationship with openness and trust. What things will he say and do that will make you feel safe? You may even reflect on the consequences of avoiding committment. How would it make you feel if your partner did not 100% trust you?

Coming face to face with the result of what an uncommitted relationship looks, feels, and behaves like can be the upsetting fodder you need to ensure you cultivate healthy reliance in your next relationship.

couple hands love pixy


In order to attract the right kind of guys, fears of not being good enough or undeserving of love must be banished. These might be potential ways you are self-sabotaging. You must meet them, halt them, and stay your strong, confident, kick-ass self! From a self-assured place you will attract the perfect guy for you – who knows, maybe he will be an Aidan 😉 How do you stay empowered? Paint? Workout? Tell me for a RT! @kellymc247

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Kelly Christiansen

A top columnist at MsCareerGirl, marketing guru Kelly Christiansen has 10+ years of strategic leadership experience and is a Senior Marketing Strategist on the Health Care team at Kahler Slater, an architecture firm in Wisconsin. An avid reader, runner, and recipe experimenter, you can follow Kelly on twitter @kellymc247

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